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I’m not referring to the bedtime story.

I’m fed up with ill-fitting, unflattering jeans that are prone to exposing more than I ever intended them to. I don’t mind being called “cheeky” but I don’t want the nickname to be a literal comment.

You know what I’m talking about. If you have to constantly tug on your jeans because they are migrating South without taking you with them. If you’re perpetually shifting in your seat in a desperate attempt to cover your ass; literally. If your pants only feel like they’re pulled all the way up when you’re sporting a camel toe. If you can’t take a full breath without your gut spilling out of your waistband. If the prospect of bending down to pick something up off of the floor is more terrifying than a shower in prison. If you can identify with any of these statements it’s time for you to admit that you’re no longer the teenager most jeans are built for and marketed towards. It’s time to step away from the low-rise, ladies.

For me this has been a long time coming. I thought that some significant weight loss and getting fit would resolve all my denim dilemmas. But the fact is that because I’m in my 50’s my body will always be rounder and less toned than when I was 30. When I walk with my crutches I don’t want to stop every 20 feet and pull my jeans up, and when I’m wheeling around I don’t want to back up so far in my seat that I back out of my britches.

So I went through my closet and donated every girly, junior, low-rise, too tight in the rear, too loose in the gut pair of jeans I owned. That left very few pairs – too few by Nashville standards. At the very least I wanted to acquire a crisp, white pair and a dark wash companion.

A quick trip to the thrift stores was a waste of time. The next step up the clothing chain yielded a white and dark wash, Michael Kors and DKNY respectively. Unfortunately they didn’t fit any better than the ones I had just discarded. My last resort was the Opry Mills outlet mall. I had bought jeans from some of the major names like Old Navy and Gap before. I felt confident I could just waltz in and get what I came for.

Wrong.

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The jeans that had served me well were a thing of the past. The styles that worked for me had either been discontinued or redesigned – to sit even lower on the body! Mid-rise or even natural waisted cuts seemed to have disappeared.

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You can’t really see it but every Calvin Klein style in the photo above says it sits “below the waist”. Now, none of us want to wear the dreaded “Mom jean” but every style I came across barely covered my assets. Okay, I had clearly outgrown the well-known brands. Time to think outside the box.

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I had never shopped at Chico’s before. I thought them to be too “old” for my taste and too pricey. But the sign above pulled me into their store, and a trip to their fitting room won me over.

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Finally, denim for grown-ups! No fading, acid-washing, whiskering, or distressing. No body parts suffocated, sausage encased, muffin topped, or mooned over. Just classy jeans in a contemporary cut that fit!

They need to be hemmed, of course, even the “short” length tends to be too long for me. As far as price goes, they were buy one, get one 50% off, which made them comparable to the Gap and several other stores in the mall. I couldn’t resist and promptly snatched up a white pair as well.

Goodnight, moon. Go back to the night sky where you belong. Mine will stay stylishly encased in the indigo of my new jeans.